(photo of a heart-shaped ornament given to me recently by a Malaysian
missionary)
It’s been a long time since the last time I’ve written an introspective
journal entry.
Today the bible verse is James 1:22-27 (NIV)
22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what
it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like
someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself,
goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks
intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not
forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they
do.
26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight
rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look
after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being
polluted by the world.
I find that the more I understand God's Word, the more difficult it is
to do what God asks us to do. Christians are called to be “Christ-like.” If you
are to love like the way Jesus does, which is unconditional love, it's not just
a bit of chit chat and that's it. It is something that someone who is filled
with the power of the Holy Spirit can do. It gets very tiring if you are trying
to do it out of your own willpower (like a responsibility/obligation associated
with one's particular role). In fact, I do not think it’s possible to do by
human will power. With the amount of burden in my daily life, most of the time
I am in a delicate balance struggling to even stay afloat. I do not feel I have
the time to read God's word and pray and become "spirit-filled", even
though I know that God’s words and praying are as important as oxygen in a
Christian’s life.
God has placed multiple orphans and widows in my life… right in my immediate
family and direct lineage family as a matter of fact. If I cannot even look
after these people, how am I even capable of love for orphans and widows who
aren’t even related to me?
And when you talk about “unconditional love”, this is love that expects
nothing in return. I can confidently say that I love my children, but I can’t
say it’s unconditional, because they are actually blood-related to me. Maybe if
I adopt non-blood related children and love them, I might be able to say that
this is a bit closer “unconditional love” than my biological children. But I
would still have expectations that they show appreciation for what I’ve done for
them, and although I wouldn’t expect them to become prime ministers or doctors
or lawyers, I don’t know if I’d be able to love them if they become murderers
or criminals. And it takes a lot of life force to pour one’s love out. A person
is limited in space and time. There is only so few people one can have a deep
relationship with. Many times, one’s own immediate family is already a lot to
deal with.
People who know my situation better may ask 1) “Why have two children in
such a short space of time?” and 2) “Why support your husband’s career change and
become a single parent for 4 years?” I can only say this is something between
me and God: 1) To have more than one child at our age, you don’t have much
choice. And, being someone who married relatively late, I’ve got this thought: “why
should I have fewer children than what I had dreamed of just because I happened
to not have met my other half until later in life?” (Those who never got the
chance to get married or those who want children but are unable to have
children will roll their eyes at this). 2) My husband’s career change is a door
that God has clearly opened up. To deny him of such dream is similar to denying
my dream of having >1 child. And because we are now a family unit, his dream
is my dream and my dream is his dream.
At this point in time, I do not even dare to become involved with
church ministry, despite having had a lot of involvement with church ministry
in the past. A lot of times, humans are very conditional. If I help someone, I
hope it will pay off and the person takes a turn for the better, or that the person
will actually help me if I encounter a difficult patch. And feel frustrated and
disappointed if the person doesn’t. But being “unconditional” means you
actually give without expecting any form of return: I know the “head knowledge”,
but I cannot do it. Likewise, when I receive help, I feel there is an expectation
that I will be helpful to the person whom I received help from in the future. Therefore,
I am afraid of receiving help, because I do not know if I even have the resources
or time to help others, as I am already running on very low energy levels. And
being an introvert who is socially awkward doesn’t help either.
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