Biblical Confrontation:
l Ephesians 4:15: Speaking the truth in love.
l Proverbs 15:31: Life-giving correction: will be at home among the
wise.
l Galatians 6: 1-5: If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the
Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may
be tempted.
l 2 Corinthians 1: 23-2:4: It wasn’t easy for Paul to write that letter.
Paul had to check his intentions: out of love. Confrontation needs to be
reliant on the Holy Spirit. Sometimes we do it in a timing which we think is
the right timing but could be wrong. If it’s the right thing to do but done at
the wrong timing, the result can be disastrous. Sometimes it is not suitable to
confronted right away, but wait for a suitable timing.
l Ephesians 4: 1-3: Living a life worthy of the calling you’ve
received.
D.W. Johnston, “Reaching out”: “a deliberate
attempt to help another person examine the consequences of some aspect of their
behaviour. The purpose of confrontation is to free the person being confronted
to engage in more fruitful or less destructive behaviour.”
Guidelines for Care-frontation:
1) Stay involved: To challenge someone whom you’re
not involved with is destructive. It only says “I’m better than you, you’d
better fix up your act” instead of “I’m a pilgrim with you on this journey.”
2) Strong relationship: We have to know that person
well/have a good relationship with that person, or the challenging will only fracture the relationship and make
the situation worse.
3) Be tentative: Don’t be accusing. 2Samuel 12.
Nathan confronted David on behalf of God through a parable instead of
challenging him directly.
Technique in Challenging:
1.
A reflection: Put on a very
reflective face.
2.
An observation: Describe an
observation only, not a “you” statement.
3.
Interpretation or evaluation:
name what you think is going on (eg. every time I mention the situation your
tone goes up).
4.
Personal self-disclosure: “You”
statements can sound attacking. “I’m just letting you know, I am feeling quite
attacked at the moment”. “Microphone” concept: whoever who’s got the microphone
(a pen) is the one who can speak. Won’t give the microphone until you really
felt heard. If you’re feeling attacked or insecure or respected, some boundary
is being breached, raise 1 finger up if feeling attacked, then 2nd finger
if still feeling attacked, then 3rd finger up and if still feeling attacked
just walk away!
5.
Statement surrounding the
defense or inadequate communication: The person being confronted may keep
saying “it’s not my problem, it’s your problem”.
Characteristics of Life-changing challenges:
1.
Empathy: If their mother just
died or they’re planning a wedding, it’s not a suitable time to confront that
person.
2.
Timing
3.
Relatedness: Pre-empt what you’re
talking about so it doesn’t come as unexpected, or else they won’t know how to
respond. Or if we are possibly going to be challenged, we can ask the person “what’s
it going to be with regards to”, so you know whether it’s a pastoral issue or
church organisational issue etc.
4.
Concise: Get to the point.
5.
Authenticity: Sincere.
6.
Tentativeness: Not definitive
and assuming.
Goals of Challenging: Explore
feelings, experiences and behaviours.
What should be challenged?
l Discrepancies: “I love my wife, but I want to run off with the other
person”. It wouldn’t be suitable to say “Jesus won’t like this.” But treat that
person like an adult. Instead name the discrepancy, “if you love your wife, why
would you want to hurt her feelings by going off with that person?” Or when we
ask “how are you” and that person doesn’t look fine but says “fine”, we can
think about whether we want to explore more by asking “why do you say you’re
fine when you’re not.”
l Distortions: Different from reality.
l Games, Tricks and Smoke Screens: “The poor me” tricks. Unhealthy self-perception,
“Oh I’m so bad, I’m so bad”, and spirals in negativity. Or criticises church,
then when we challenge the person saying, “so you’re saying the church is bad”,
they may say “no, we’re not saying that”, then be gone from the church in a few
weeks’ time. Openness to change and transformation, vs someone who says “I’m
ok” and refuses to be transparent about their problems.
l Evasions: Scapegoating.
l Failure To State Problems So They Appear Solvable: I’ve got a
problem but I can’t change” = choosing not to change, evasiveness.
The manner of challenging:
l “Speak the truth in love”: But be careful not to be judgmental.
l With care and genuine involvement, Relationship of Helper and Helpee:
During the confrontation, if that person. Crocodile tears: using tears as a smokescreen
to stop the confrontation: we should make empathetic statement, hand tissue to
that person, and say, “can we continue?”.
l With due and careful reference to the state of the person
l The Method of Successive Approximations
Challenging: Need to be done over several sessions.
Own fear and anxiety comes up. Avoid the “you” questioning. Facial expression:
need to learn to control. Be careful not to be giving solutions constantly but
help them come up with the solutions themselves through self-reflection. Open-ended
questioning to help the person open up.
Guilt is complex:
l It's like wrestling an octopus in a dark aquarium at midnight.
l
True guilt [and shame] is
present when there is sin present; when others or we have acted in a way that
dishonours God’s ways. False or pseudo-guilt [shame] arises when sin was never
involved in the first place (e.g. unplaced guilt/shame over the impact of an
accident) or where sin has been forgiven.[1]
l A direct contravention= a biblical guilt. However, lots of people
walk around in “false guilt”, eg. error because of judgment, feeling guilty
because you weren’t being the “obliging child” and trying to make that person
happy (guilty if you don’t keep the other person happy), or you didn’t do what
the pastor says (and it’s about something that’s not biblical). It’s a feeling lack
of sense of self-worth, a feeling of failure, a feeling that you are not what
you should be. Biblical guilt: contravent society, are in jail, needs help. Guilt
can drive people to suicide.
l Real guilt vs imagined. Often one feels guilty because they have an
inadequate view or “false narrative” of God, eg. how can God forgive a person
like me? Challenging statement: “Are you saying God can’t forgive all sins?” Grieving
the Holy Spirit is saying no to Jesus because we do not allow his Spirit in our
lives. Haven’t allowed God’s forgiveness to flow into their hearts.
l Don’t come to a quick solution, as experiencing forgiveness from
guilt is a slow process. Don’t make the comment like “don’t worry, you can do this
to solve this”. Need a space and time for people to experience forgiveness in Jesus.
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