empathy, genuineness, listening skills, and encouragement

Abstract:

Research show that patients in psychiatric hospitals were most likely to improve when their counsellors showed high levels of warmth, empathy, and genuineness, regardless of the counsellor’s techniques or theoretical perspectives. I will be analysing four important pastoral skills: empathy, genuineness, listening skills, and encouragement. In my analysis, I will be making a judgment about their importance, how developing these skills will help carers minister effectively, how these skills reflect biblical principles or examples, and how and when these skills may be appropriately practiced in real situations and contexts. We have to decide carefully when and when not to use counselling skills because although it is helpful to apply these skills in some situations, inappropriate applications may burn us out or make the counselee worse. We must not miss the whole person when exercising our skills. Most importantly, it is the awesome power of God that brings lasting change which might never come otherwise.

Empathy:

Empathy is the ability to understand the client from his/her point of view and, when appropriate, to communicate this understanding to the client. To do so we need an understanding and feeling for the mental states and emotions of another person, and how the person’s context influences his or her thinking and feeling.[1] It is an important pastoral skill because if a relationship is empathic, then the person being helped will feel valued and safe about sharing intimate personal information. Such a relationship enables the helper to more fully understand the other person’s point of view, and to correctly identify that person’s emotional feelings.[2] Furthermore, respectful empathy is very important when interacting with clients who are different from you in any respect.[3]

The Scriptures reveal Jesus’ compassion for the blind, the deaf, the lame, the ill and the grief-stricken, which have decisively shaped our imagination of God’s compassion for the world.[4] The psalms express a wide range of feelings and may help those who are grieving.[5] Capps believes that an important use of the Bible is to bring hope-giving comfort to counselees who are going through typical crises of life. Many of the readings from psalms are appropriate for comforting the frustrated, the disillusioned, the conscience-stricken, and the fearful.[6]

Empathy is useful many different situations such as in the home, the church, schools, the clinical settings, etc. Take the example of children’s development in the home. Hosking & Walsh[7] believe that empathy is the single greatest inhibitor of the development of propensity to violence. Empathy fails to develop when parents or prime carer fail to attune with their infants. Children should not only be the recipients of empathy, but they should also learn how to express empathy towards others. Kennedy[8] argues for that unless children both experience and express empathy, they are in danger of being self-centred, prone to aggressive and cruel behaviour, and unable to feel or express remorse. Basic empathic understanding can be expressed at home using the following formula: You feel [name the correct emotion] because [indicate the correct experiences, thoughts, and behaviours that give rise to the feelings].[9] However, there are some situations where empathy is not useful. Empathy is not really possible in radically cross-cultural encounters because it is very difficult for someone to grasp the picture of another across cultures.[10] Emotional over involvement is also not useful as it can cause the counsellor to lose objectivity which in turn reduces counselling effectiveness.[11]

Listening:

Everyone knows the pain of not being listened to or heard. We shut down, withdraw, and distance ourselves because not to be heard feels too much like we do not exist.[12] Listening is the most important thing we can do if we want to be helpful to a troubled person. This is not easy because people who have a problem find it difficult to talk to other people about things that might be emotionally troubling for them.[13] Paradoxically, the best way to help a person change unacceptable behaviour is to accept them as they are.[14] Since troubled people are often embarrassed of some of the things they have to say, they are likely to jump to negative conclusions about your attitude towards them unless you give some reassuring clues.[15] Furthermore, it is important to listen empathically by setting down our own concerns to be fully with the person so we gain an understanding of his/her worlds.[16] Deep listening involves listening to people themselves as influenced by the contexts in which they “live, move, and have their being”.[17] Most importantly, we are listening for the very voice, presence, or absence of God in the soul, the core of our lives where meaning is created.[18]

The Scriptures emphasise the importance of listening. In Genesis30:22 we see that God listens to us: “Then God remembered Rachel, and God heeded her and opened her womb.” We should listen to one another according to James1:19 “…let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.”[19] Furthermore, Proverbs12:15 tells us that that wise people listen: “Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to advice.”[20]

The skill of listening is useful many situations, including the clinical setting. In the doctor-patient relationship, patients have two central concerns about their doctors: their medical competence and their ability to relate and communicate. Therefore, listening is an important medical skill.[21] To correctly elicit patient concerns, several forms of distorted listening has to be avoided: 1) Filtered listening whereby an individual’s culture provide a highly selective screen between the individual and the outside world.[22] 2) Evaluative listening where as we listen, we are judging.^[23] 3) Stereotype-based listening where we label people.^[24] 4) Fact-centred listening whereby we collect facts but miss the person.[25] 5) Sympathetic listening where feelings are strong enough to distort the stories that clients are telling.[26] 6) Interrupting inappropriately cuts the client in mid thought.[27]

Genuineness:

Genuine people are at home with themselves and therefore can comfortably be themselves in all their interactions.[28] They are without front or façade, aware of their own feelings and attitudes and unafraid to manifest these at the appropriate time.[29] The warm person is one who gives you the impression that he/she is happy to see you, interested in you for what you are, and cares about you. Warmth is a feeling that we have toward another which is difficult to fake.[30] If we are not authentically ourselves, we will not present ourselves as congruent.[31] Pembroke[32] comments that in counselling, there is often an emphasis on particular theories and interventions, but a personal quality and availability is more important than any skill or technique. If we are to be successful in helping someone we must have their trust, or they are not going to feel free to talk to us about intimate personal problems.[33] In fact, if a help-seeker is convinced that a helper is genuinely trying to listen deeply and be with him/her in caring ways, attempts to understand issues and reflect feelings may miss the mark without loss of connection and trust.[34] People are not going to feel heard by someone who is in a hurry.[35] Too many opportunities for listening pass us by because we fail to suspend our own agenda.[36]

The Scriptures tell us that as Christians, we love one another because God first loved us (1John4:7,9,11), and because Jesus told us to (John13:34,35). The love that we have for one another overflows from the love that God has shown to us (2Corinthians1:3-4).[37] Therefore we should treat each other genuinely in God’s love.

Genuineness is particularly applicable in the church pastoral care setting. Bailey describes “priesthood is not about power and domination and control, but this gentleness, like the breeze in your face on a mountain top, like blowing a butterfly off your sleeve, strong enough to move it, light enough not to hurt it”.[38] If the parishioners sense that the pastor is using them for his/her own sense of achievement, this is not likely to produce lasting changes. If the parishioners sense that the pastor is genuinely concerned about their wellbeing, this is more likely to result in spiritual formation effecting in lasting changes. Therefore it is very important to reflect on whether we could be immersing ourselves in the care of others seeking to gain our worth through affirmation from others and striving to achieve status and community recognition.[39] On the other hand, some help-seekers have a conscious or unconscious desire to manipulate, frustrate, distort facts, or not cooperate. Manipulated helpers are rarely helpful. It can be helpful to ask yourself what the counselee really wants and restructure the counselling to prevent manipulation in the future.[40]

Encouragement:

Many of us may notice that when we are critical of someone they will generally resist changing and become more entrenched in their thinking and behaviour. When we accept them, they feel valued.[41] Rogers^[42] found that the very experience of being understood and unconditionally accepted by another human being causes people to be more positive in the way they view themselves, and as a consequence, to make better use of their talents and abilities when they face problems. Many people who seek pastoral counselling are not looking for answers and solutions; they are simply looking for understanding and support in a period of great need.^[43]

The Scriptures describe the Holy Spirit as ‘another counsellor’. A person can act as a vehicle for the Holy Spirit’s encouragement. God promises comfort to those in trouble: “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalms147:3). “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew5:4).[44]

The skill of encouragement can useful in the leisurely setting when we catch up with family and friends. We are constantly pulled down by the imperfections of the world and there is a tendency for people to ruminate on a negative event or be dissatisfied with what they have. It is important to lift the atmosphere through the use of the Scriptures so that we are focused on the love and promises of God.

Conclusion:

Research shows that patients in psychiatric hospitals were most likely to improve when their counsellors showed high levels of warmth, empathy, and genuineness, regardless of the counsellor’s techniques or theoretical perspectives.[45] Though helpful, exercising the pastoral skills of empathy, listening, genuineness and encouragement takes up a lot of energy. Therefore, we have to decide carefully when and when not to use counselling skills so we do not burn out. In this decision we have to take into account our relationship with the person, the time available, the situation, and our own emotional energy.[46] We also need to be wary that applying these skills in inappropriate situations can make counselees worse. We must not miss the whole person when exercising our skills. And most importantly, it is the awesome power of God that brings lasting change which might never come otherwise.[47]

Bibliography:

Altman, Irwin and Taylor, Dalmas A. Social Penetration: The Development of Interpersonal Relationships. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1973.

Anderson, Herbert. “The Bible and pastoral care.” In The Bible in Pastoral Practice, edited by Paul Ballard and Stephen R. Holmes, 195-211. London: Darton, Longman and Todd, 2005.  

Capps, Donald. Biblical Approaches to Pastoral Counseling. Eugene: Wipf and Stock Publishers, 2003.

Carkhuff, Robert R. Helping and Human Relations Volume I. New York: Holt, Rinehard & Winston, 1969.

Clark, A. “Empathy and sympathy: Therapeutic distinctions in counselling.” Journal of Mental Health Counselling 32 (2010): 95-101.

Clinebell, Howard John and McKeever, Bridget Clare. Basic Types of Pastoral Care & Counseling: Resources for the Ministry of Healing and Growth. Updated and revised by Bridget Clare McKeever. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2011.

Collins, Gary R. Christian Counseling. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2007.

Cook, E.P. Understanding people in context: The ecological perspective in counselling. Washington DC: American Counseling Association Books, 2012.

Egan, Gerard. The Skilled Helper: A Problem-Management and Opportunity-Development Approach to Helping. Belmont: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning, 2014.

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Pastoral Care. London: T & T Clark, 2012.

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http://ct.counseling.org/2008/05/impressing-the-need-for-empathy/

Kornfeld, Margaret. Cultivating Wholeness: A Guide to Care and Counseling in Faith Communities. New York: Continuum, 1998.

McGilvray, Jill. God's Love in Action: Pastoral Care for Everyone. Brunswick East, Vic.: Acorn Press, 2009.

Pembroke, Neil. The Art of Listening. Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2002.

Polivy, Janet and Herman, C. Peter. “If at First You Don’t Succeed: False Hopes of Self-Change.” American Psychologist 57 (2002): 677-689.

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Rogers, Carl R. Client Centered Therapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1951.

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[1] Gerard Egan. The Skilled Helper: A Problem-Management and Opportunity-Development Approach to Helping, (Belmont: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning, 2014), 48.

[2] Kathryn Geldard and David Geldard. Counselling Skills in Everyday Life, (Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan, 2003), 31.

[3] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 51. Personally, socially, culturally, and so forth.

[4] Deborah Van Deusen Hunsinger, “Practicing Koinōnia,” Theology Today 66 (2009): 364.

[5] Donald Capps, Biblical Approaches to Pastoral Counseling (Eugene: Wipf and Stock Publishers, 2003), 14.

[6] Capps, Biblical Approaches to Pastoral Counseling, 24.

[7] G. Hoskin and I.R. Walsh, The WAVE report: Violence and what to do about it, (Croydon: Wave Trust, 2005), 20. To “attune” to a child means “attempting to respond to his or her needs, particularly emotionally, resulting in the child’s sense of being understood, cared for, and valued”.

[8] A. Kennedy, “Impressing the need for empathy,” Counselling Today, May 15, 2008, accessed August 1, 2015,

http://ct.counseling.org/2008/05/impressing-the-need-for-empathy/

[9] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 113.

[10] Aart Van Beek, Cross-Cultural Counseling, (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1996), 35.

[11] Gary R. Collins, Christian Counseling, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2007), 24. The Christian counsellor can resist this tendency by viewing the counselling as a professional helping relationship that clearly must be limited in terms of length or number of appointments.

[12] Jean Stairs, Listening for the Soul: Pastoral Care and Spiritual Direction, (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2000), 18.

[13] Geldard, Counselling Skills, 68.

[14] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 95.

[15] Geldard, Counselling Skills, 70. The troubled person could start thinking negative thoughts like these: 1) This person is disgusted by what I am saying. 2) This person really doesn’t want to hear what I am saying. 3) This person is only listening to me out of politeness. 4) This person is in a hurry to get away. 5) I’m making this person feel uncomfortable. 6) This person doesn’t respect me.

[16] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 82.

[17] E.P. Cook, Understanding people in context: The ecological perspective in counselling, (Washington DC: American Counseling Association Books, 2012).

[18] Stairs, Listening for the Soul, 17.

[19] Jill McGilvray, God's Love in Action: Pastoral Care for Everyone, (Brunswick East, Vic.: Acorn Press, 2009), 44.

[20] McGilvray, God's Love, 45.

[21] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 80.

[22] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 100-101. The stronger the cultural filters, the greater likelihood of bias.

[23] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 101. Judging as good/bad, right/wrong, acceptable/unacceptable. likable/unlikable, relevant/irrelevant, and so forth

[24] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 101. eg. paranoid, Type A personality etc.

[25] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 102. The antidote is to practice person-centred listening whereby we listen to clients contextually, trying to focus on themes and key messages.

[26] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 102. Sympathy has an unmistakable place in human relationships, but it can reinforce self-pity, which has a way of driving out problem-managing action.

[27] Egan, The Skilled Helper, 103.

[28] P. Vaughan, Basic Skills for Christian Counselors, (New York: Paulist Press, 1987), 8.

[29] Vaughan, Basic Skills, 9.

[30] Vaughan, Basic Skills, 10.

[31] Geldard, Counselling Skills, 36.

[32] Neil Pembroke, The Art of Listening, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2002), 74.

[33] Geldard, Counselling Skills, 29.

[34] Howard John Clinebell and Bridget Clare McKeever. Basic Types of Pastoral Care & Counseling: Resources for the Ministry of Healing and Growth, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2011), 70.

[35] Stairs, Listening for the Soul, 20.

[36] Stairs, Listening for the Soul, 23.

[37] McGilvray, God's Love, 8.

[38] Ewan Kelly, Personhood and Presence: Self as a Resource for Spiritual and Pastoral Care, (London: T & T Clark, 2012), 19.

[39] Kelly, Personhood and Presence, 14.

[40] Collins, Christian Counseling, 25. Sometimes, people ask for help with a problem, but what they really want is your attention and time, your sanctioning of sinful or otherwise harmful behaviour, or your support as an ally in some family or other conflict. When you suspect this type of false motivation, gently raise your concern with the counselee and structure the counselling in a way that will prevent manipulation in the future.

[41] Geldard, Counselling Skills, 32.

[42] Carl R. Rogers, Client Centered Therapy, (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1951), 172-196.

[43] Vaughan, Basic Skills, 28.

[44] McGilvray, God's Love, 22.

[45] Collins, Christian Counseling, 17. Forty years ago, researchers began studying the qualities of effective counsellors. When these traits were not present, the patients grew worse, regardless of what methods their counsellors used.

[46] Geldard. Counselling Skills, 12-14. Relevant questions are: Can I provide a trusting relationship? Is the environment suitably private? Will I be able in my social or professional role to provide the required level of confidentiality? Am I feeling emotionally robust enough to listen to someone else’s problems? Am I clear about my expectations regarding my relationship with the person and possible outcomes that may result from the conversation? Do I feel competent in inviting the person to discuss the problem in question?

[47] Collins, Christian Counseling, 10. A comment made by Collins based on his own experience: It does not take long for Christian counsellors to see what God can and does do, usually in his own ways in his own timing.