Boundaries not only have implications on an individual level, but also an organisational level! As I start seeing more closely what a pastor's job entails, I find it so important for people who are serving in ministry to become aware of these things. Learning a lot along the way, and the restrictions of time means there is always a tension between absorbing massive amounts of learning and taking time apply it practically.
Good Fences
l A boundary is that which defines and
gives identity to all types of systems, including persons and communities. They
involve physical borders and property lines, as well as names and stories,
traditions and values.[1]
l A boundary gives us something to which
we can point and ascribe a name.[2]
l The church, in our desire to call
ourselves inclusive, is in danger of blurring our boundaries, of erasing
aspects of our core identity. And us as persons, in our desire to be accepting,
we can lose sight of that for which we stand, of who in truth we are. How do we
stay faithful to the essence of who we are, holding on to our continuity with
the past, and at the same time, welcome the other into our midst, particularly
the strange and disquieting other, so that we can change and grow?[3]
l We must assume that not everyone looks
at that line or sees that boundary in the same way we do. Being in relationship
entails seeking out these other viewpoints and comparing them with our own,
realising that without them we cannot hope to envision the whole picture.[4]
l When colours run together, the result
is a muddy and nondescript mix. When I have no boundaries for myself, I will
tend to invade yours. When you have none, you will encroach upon mine. Wholesome
connections only become possible when two people, or two groups, know who they
are and who they are not, what they bring to the relationship and what they do
not, what they seek from it and what they might want to avoid.[5]
l Boundaries offer order, protection, and
identity for both people and communities. Without the consistency, safety, and
meaning they provide, we would find it difficult to undertake anything new or
welcome uninvited guests into our midst. Maintaining our boundaries involves
holding both sides of a tension: firmness coupled with a willingness to keep
the boundary flexible and to look for alternative ways of doing things. It
calls for an eye open to opportunity and the time to move ahead.[6]
l Hospitable keeping of boundaries
demands flexibility.[7] To be
hospitable is to expect the unexpected, to expect interruption, and then to
proceed into the opportunity it affords with all the inventiveness and humour
we can muster.[8]
l If a boundary defines, then moving or
removing that boundary means redefinition. The work of changing a boundary
demands attention and a willingness to listen to the voices around us.[9]
l When the family or the individual
concentrates solely on particulars, their own health and wellbeing, larger
concerns can be neglected. They can lose sight of their connections to others
as they come to see themselves as the centre of everything. As a boundary is
expanded, new concerns and emphases arise. A smaller system is now part of a
larger one, and we begin looking around at the forest where our tree grows.[10]
l In truth, we cannot be fully alive
apart from God and neighbour. We ultimately are dependent upon both for
identity and nourishment.[11]
Staying in Bounds
Tricky scenarios:
l Pastor’s personal friendship with a
parishioner: The parishioner, who’s also a personal friend to the pastor, lost
his job. The pastor knew that the parishioner needed more than a friend, more
than a pastor; he needed a counsellor. The “dual role” issue now became more real.
After some contemplation, the pastor finally told the
parishioner that while he could love and support his friend, he didn’t feel
that he could provide the guidance and insight of a counsellor at the same
time.[12]
l The parishioner was not growing
spiritually herself, but rather becoming increasingly dependent on the pastor to
work out her faith on her behalf.[13]
l The pastor is also an employer of the
parishioner who works as a cleaner for the church. The parishioner hasn't been doing his job as a cleaner well. The pastor wondered if she
should stick to addressing the work failures or acknowledge the parishioner’s
personal challenges and provide pastoral support during his time of crisis. She
asks, “Do you have any ideas of how we can tackle both and make sure that you
get what you need from me as your pastor and I get the janitorial work done?”[14]
“A good neighbour is a fellow who smiles at you
over the back fence, but doesn’t climb over it.” ARTHUR BAER[15]
Healthy individuation:
l Regression can occur when a parishioner
is under unusual stress.[16]
l The development of autonomy does not
exclude the need for others, but is rather an individual’s ability to
internally maintain a sense of self, regardless of whether or not the external
affirmation and validation of others is forthcoming. A well-individuated person
is able to integrate others’ feedback into his self-concept with discretion. Negative
feedback is evaluated and the individual has a sufficiently sturdy self-concept
to decide how to respond to the feedback: disregard it, file it for future
consideration, or modify behaviour.[17]
l A fairly well individuated individual
is able to hear the pastor’s recommendations that he see a counsellor and not
perceive the pastor’s boundary clarification as a threat of annihilation or
devaluation. The poorly individuated person cannot maintain a substantive self-concept
if he receives negative feedback. Neither can he maintain his self-concept without
a continuous external supply of positive validation and affirmation.[18]
l Identifying the best boundary for a
particular situation may require experimentation.[19]
l If a parishioner who never seems to
rise above the chaos and stress in his life and my help was not being
appropriated to improve his life but rather to facilitate his transition to the
next crisis, I will need to rethink the wisdom of helping him out. If I
continued to help, I would most likely burn out and eventually become resentful
because he never improved, while I was “doing all the work.”[20]
l Boundaries prevent us from harming others:
If I am a therapist, I need boundaries with my clients that prevent me from
using my professional relationship to fill my personal needs, for acceptance,
appreciation, admiration. I need boundaries with my children that prevent me
from doing for them what they need to learn to do for themselves.[21]
Theological implications of boundaries:
l God is not all mercy and no justice, or
all justice and no mercy.[22]
l Ego development entails the
internalization of the parent while working through the process of
symbiosis-separation-rapprochement-individuation. And, throughout life, we work
out the delicate balance of admiring and attempting to integrate another’s
desirable traits, all the while establishing our own unique individuality. The
process of maturation is fraught with boundary violations as we learn how
relationships work. If I jump off the roof of my house with naïve disregard for
the fundamental boundary of gravity, one could say, “Naturally, you’re going to
hit the ground.” Hitting the ground—hard—is the natural consequence of my
disregard for the immutable force of gravity. So it is with our persistent
challenge of the intrinsic boundary between God and us. If we try to be God, or
try to act like God, we’re going to hit the ground—hard. We will fail, and we
will get hurt—not because God doesn’t care about us, but because we don’t
respect God and God’s boundaries.[23]
l Reconciliation after a boundary
trespass requires three things: confession, repentance, and reparation.
Confession is the acknowledgment by the transgressor of the violation;
repentance is the transgressor’s agreement to not transgress the boundary
again; reparation is the act of repairing the damage caused by the violation in
order to restore the relationship to its original state.
l Attempting to take over God’s business
is one of the most curious behaviours that people exhibit.[24]
l The parent who truly loves a child
implements boundaries with the child that allow the child to develop as a whole
person, not shackled by demands that the child become an extension of the
parent or fill the parent’s unmet needs for validation and self-esteem. In a
similar fashion, God did not create human beings as objects to be possessed,
but rather beings to love and relate to, demonstrating the utmost respect and
“unconditional positive regard” by affording free will.[25]
l Some pain is brought about by our own willful
violation of boundaries, be they boundaries with God or with other people.[26]
l Have you noticed how you just don’t
like some people? Think for a moment about why that is. Perhaps you feel
uncomfortable around them, or you feel slightly threatened by them, or you don’t
agree with their choices. If we get close enough to certain people to know we
don’t like them, then we have a relationship with them, whether we want to or
not. In these difficult relationships, we have a golden opportunity to grow.
First, we must clarify why we don’t like them. Usually, our dislike is the
result of one of two causes: we either feel uneasy with them, or we don’t like
their actions. Typically, we feel uneasy around someone if that person’s
behaviours trigger a fear of being threatened—for example, the possibility of
being pushed around, coerced, or manipulated, or a threat to our reputation or
self-esteem. On the other hand, sometimes a person’s behaviour does not impact
us directly, but we observe its impact on others and feel a certain level of
disapproval or aversion to the damage and pain that person is causing others.[27]
l The human spirit is designed to pursue
growth and development. Perhaps this is why we commonly find ourselves
wrestling with difficult relationships—our spirits seek out challenge even when
we know intellectually that challenge means work.[28]
l Sharing oneself personally within the
context of ministry without losing oneself, becoming depleted, or ending up
destroyed is probably the most consequential challenge that any pastor faces.
Jay Kessler, in his book Being Holy, Being Human, states, “There are so many
needy people out there who want to be with you. They need a friend; they need
counsel; they need someone to just give them a little attention… After a while,
you can begin to feel as though you’re being nibbled to death by minnows.” One
of the most basic protections that a pastor has from being personally consumed and
from deteriorating to the average level of functioning of those being ministered
to is to exercise clear and firm boundaries.[29]
The pastor and the church:
l Much brokenness comes from unhealthy
and enmeshed relationships. Many parishioners come into a local congregation
with all the baggage of past and present personal dysfunction and dysfunctional
relationships. They are often unaware of how boundary incursions—theirs and
others—have shaped distorted beliefs about themselves, their expectations of
others, and their understanding of God. Pastors who have cared for themselves,
who do not seek relationships in the congregation for their own fulfilment, and
who maintain wholesome boundaries are in many cases a parishioner’s first
experience with mature, healthy relationship. This is the crux of effective
ministry. The pastor must model health— physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
“Actions speak louder than words.” The flock will follow, either upward toward
health and growth, or downward into sickness and stagnation.[30]
l In addition, as psychoanalytic theory
asserts, the spirit (or technically, psyche) exists across multiple levels of
consciousness. The unconscious is out of reach of conscious awareness, and so
we are, by definition, unaware of the forces of our unconscious. Because
defense mechanisms—those strategies we use to preserve our self-esteem and
defend against anxiety—emanate from the unconscious, we lack conscious
awareness of their influence on our behaviour and thinking patterns. This makes
getting at the Truth of ourselves all the more difficult.
l Another reason getting at the Truth of
ourselves is difficult is that our fallen nature has led to a universal
experience of shame. Shame is the belief that I am defective, bad, a failure,
and unlovable; shame makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide under a rock.
The first human experience of shame came in the garden of Eden.[31] The
more shame we feel, the less capable we are of candid introspection and the
more defensive we are against evaluation by others.[32]
l Gary McIntosh and Samuel Rima, in their
book Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership, propose that everyone has a “dark
side,” which is as natural to human beings as shadows are in a world bathed in
sunlight. Pastors need to become aware of their dark side—the inner urges,
compulsions, and dysfunctions—and then redeem it; that is, manage it: redirect
those potentially “dark side” patterns and compensate for them. The dark side
of our personalities is not something to be feared but rather reckoned with.[33] My compulsion
to avoid conflict can be refocused into assertive peacemaking. My impatience
with others’ lack of progress toward team goals may be reworked into valuable
project management skills.[34]
l In many relationships, trust is earned over
the course of time. However, certain relationships, such as that of doctor-patient,
banker-investor, and clergy-parishioner, warrant an implicit trust based on the
position and under the assumption that the character of the person in the position
of power has been “certified” or endorsed by a governing body.[35]
Applications in ministry:
l Beware the messiah mentality. Many
pastors have a strong bent toward narcissistic tendencies, such as grandiosity,
omnipotence, and entitlement. These narcissistic tendencies can be redeemed and
reformed to provide ministers with the self-confidence they need to endure
weekly performance evaluations by an entire congregation.
l Beware the ego boost that comes from
being trusted with intimate details of parishioners’ struggles. The level of
trust placed in a pastor is strongly related to the position, not just the
person, of the pastor. We may recognize that a person is idealizing us, but
that does not necessarily prevent us from enjoying the elevation, even if
temporary.[36]
l Beware the smug satisfaction of being considered
a spiritual authority figure.
l Beware the sense of cozy connection to
those with whom you pray. Don’t replace your need for personal intimacy with
the sense of connection that arises from ministering, counselling, and offering
spiritual direction. The pastor needs to help the parishioner move from depending
solely on her relationship with her pastor for support to identifying her
primary source of strength as her faith in God.[37]
l Because pastors function in multiple
roles within their position of leadership, dual roles are inevitable. And it
can be challenging, although not impossible, to maintain healthy boundaries
between pastor and parishioner and between roles.[38] What is
best for the parishioner? Do my interests threaten to supersede the best interests
of my parishioners? Have I clarified to my parishioner my responsibilities in
each role and how I intend to fulfil those?[39]
l Ultimately, the only thing that makes
boundaries work is you. Talk is cheap; action is priceless. Healthy boundaries
don’t just happen; you must intentionally establish them.[40]
l It is impossible to walk through life
without sometimes overstepping our bounds or transgressing someone else’s
boundaries. That is the reality of our broken nature.[41]
References:
Schmitz, Eileen. Staying in Bounds: Straight Talk on Boundaries for Effective Ministry. St. Louis: Chalice Press, 2010.
Westerhoff, Caroline A. Good Fences: The Boundaries of Hospitality.
Harrisburg: Morehouse Publishing, 1999.
[1] Caroline A. Westerhoff, Good
Fences: The Boundaries of Hospitality (Harrisburg: Morehouse Publishing,
1999), xi.
[2] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 7.
[3] Westerhoff, Good Fences,
xii.
[4] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 54.
[5] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 56.
[6] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 81.
[7] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 94.
[8] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 95.
[9] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 107.
[10] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 116.
[11] Westerhoff, Good Fences, 133.
[12] Eileen Schmitz, Staying in
Bounds: Straight Talk on Boundaries for Effective
Ministry (St. Louis: Chalice Press, 2010),
13.
[13] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
14.
[14] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
18.
[15] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
23.
[16] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
31.
[17] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
32.
[18] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
33.
[19] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
36.
[20] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
37.
[21] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
37.
[22] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
45.
[23] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
46.
[24] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
52.
[25] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
56.
[26] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
59.
[27] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
61.
[28] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
62.
[29] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
65.
[30] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
68.
[31] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
74.
[32] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
75.
[33] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
99.
[34] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
100.
[35] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
115.
[36] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
125.
[37] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
126.
[38] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
170.
[39] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
172.
[40] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
183.
[41] Schmitz, Staying in Bounds,
188.
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